The famous Victorian musical collaborators Gilbert & Sullivan wrote musical and lyrical doggerel which has become part of the culture of the English speaking world. Often their classics deflating the pompous and pretentious, like I Am the Very Model of the Modern Major General, have been modified as vehicles for satire and parody and archived.

We at Whirled Magazine have discovered two fragments of the work of a heretofore unknown pair of collaborators, W.A. Dilbert and Welligan Sullivan, who must have joined this august tradition. We publish them here, as discovered, for the first time.

The first, found rolled inside the hatband of a large Stetson, was difficult to decipher because of the barbecue stains... As best we can tell it reads:

I Am the Very Model of the Modern Fundigelical Specified Complexification by Theologicians Dilbert & Sullivan Performance Notes: Spoken aloud without taking a breath. Tempo: Prestissimo, accelerating throughout. Rhythm: Babbity o' Babbity o' Babbity o' Babbity [BigBreath... Ready? Go!] I am the very model of the Modern Fundigelical, "It's Information!" veg'table or animal, not mineral; I know the men of Science, and I quote their fights historical, From phlo-giston to quantum hum, in order categorical; I'm very well acquainted too with matters mathematical, I coin complex equations, crunching concepts problematical, Thinking theorems thermo'namical I'm gushing with a glut o' news: I've fancy alleged finds about new legs to that hypotenuse. I'm very good at integral and differential probabling, I know some scientific names of beings fornicabaling; In short, in matters veg'table or animal, not mineral, I bring my background prejudice as Modern Fundigelical. I know my mythic history, Saint Anslem's and Sir Caradoc's, I answer hard acrostics, I've developed taste for paradox. I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Science savers' suss, Not noting Nature's vile peculiarities Diabolus. I see specified complexity in Dada art and Zoffanies, Not hearing chorus croaking from "The Frogs" by Aristophanes. Then I can write a laundry list in Babylonic cuneiform, And calculate the hist'ry of flagella's micro-uniforms; Thus I can claim a case for which I've "done the probability," And whistle all the airs of "Irreducible Complexity." In short, in matters veg'table or animal, not mineral, I "count the information" a la Modern Fundigelical. In fact, when I know what is meant by "deductin' " and "product'in ", When I can tell at sight where Life's great Treeform felt God's Javelin, When such affairs as theories and discov'ries I'm more wary at, When I know more precisely what is meant by "lab'ratoriat?", When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern scienc-ries, When I grasp my genetics more than novices in nunneries; In short, when I've a smattering of elemental bio-gy, You'll cry "No Greater Fundigelical has Ever Lived than Thee!" See my scientary knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury, Had only been brought down from a late date of the last century; But still in matters veg'table or animal, not mineral, I'll push NonInformation like a Modern Fundigelical!! [HugeBreath... Remember to bow deeply after picking yourself off up the floor. Hold until public's thunderous applause stops. Then softly:] My books are on the tables in the lobby... and don't forget Amazon or discovery.org.

The second was found in a steamer trunk covered with lunar decals with this attached tiny cumpled paperclipped note...

The Sorcerer by Gilbert and Sullivan
I am John Wellington Wells, A dealer in magic and spells.
Stage Directions, chorus required
Background Sign:
J. W. Wells & Co., Family Sorcerers
Feeling a Fog of Pessimism? - Potions Here!

And when unrolled from the frog eggs, reads:

The Sorcerers' Wedge Complexifed Specification by W A Dilbert and Sullivan Performance Instructions: Chorus Required Background Sign: D. I. Fellows & Co., TheisticScience Sorcerers Splitting a Log of Naturalism? - Icons Here! Oooooh! Iiiii'm Jonathan Corrigan Wells, I'm dealing non-icons that sell, In blessings and curses With ever-filled purses, In prophecies, bitches, and kvells. If you want a great foe to make tracks-- If you'd melt natch'ralism with "facts"-- You've but to look in On this resident Djinn, A Discovery Institute's Axe! We've a first-class assortment of magic; Raising Paley's pale posthumous shade With effects that are comic or tragic, There's no cheaper house in the trade. Non-info -- we've quantities of it; And for knowledge if any one burns, We keep an extremely small prophet, [Chorus: A Prophet!] Who brings us unbounded returns: [Tempo Presto, with Chorus] For we can prophesy, with a wink of our eye, Peep with security into futurity, Sum up life's history, clearing up mystery, Humour proclivity for a nativity-- non-naturalisticly; With mirrors so magical, Tetrapods tragical, Bogies spectacular, Answers oracular, Facts astronomical, Solemn or comical, And, if you want it, we Make a reduction on taking a quantityyyyy! [Bass Chorus sotto voce: ...of our books...] [Chorus] Oooooh! If factoids here anyone lacks, He'll write it quite quickly as "facts", If you'll only look in On our resident Djinn, A Discovery Institute's Axe! And then, as we plan it, we'll Retool organity, boasting urbanity, Mocking Satanity, showing our vanity, Vexing humanity with our inanity-- Driving our foes to the verge of insanity! Barring tautology through demonology, Mystic nosology, spirit philology, High-class theology, wispy biology, Such is Well's knowledge, he Isn't the man to require an apology! [Wells] Ooooooh! I'm Jonathan Corrigan Wells, I'm a dealer in factoids that sell, In blessings and curses With ever-filled purses, In prophecies, bitches, and kvells. If icons false anyone lacks, I'll conjure them ready, relax! [Chorus joins, retard tempo] If you'll only look in On these resident Djinns, [Spread syllables and arms wide] The Dis-cov-er-y In-sti-tute's Haaacks![quote]

It's rumored that a yet undiscovered tribute dedicated to someone named "P.J." exists. But for true G&S fans, speculation on which work W.A. and Welligan chose to pay tribute to should not be too difficult. The undiscovered tribute is said to be nearly identical to the original.

Whirled Magazine: Failing reason and evidence!
Our chief peacetime weapons are irony, bathos, puns, parody, litotes and... satire.

This article was first posted at http://members.aol.com/foggg/whirled.html.